Betty Kaiser’s Chatterbox


Laughter cures winter blues for senior citizens

One of the reasons that my husband and I moved to Oregon was to experience “the seasons.” You know, spring, summer, fall and winter. 

The latter, however, is my least favorite season. It’s cold, wet and dark — and as I sit down at my computer to write this column, it’s another dreary winter day. True-blue, born and bred Oregonians revel in this weather. You can tell by my grumpy attitude, I’m an import waiting for spring. 

Fortunately, my family, friends and readers have been cheering me up with lots of crazy computer cartoons, jokes and words of wisdom. Most are for senior citizens. And since my birthday this month, they have been working overtime to send me words of cheer that begin with “You know you’re a senior citizen when…”

Some of them are only too happy to add, “Of course, you’re older that I am!” 

So, just exactly what age is considered a senior citizen? Well, various sources say the age of a senior citizen begins at 60- 65. The Social Security Administration says that 67 is the age of retirement. 

I was about 60 when Taco Bell asked me if I was a senior. So, I guess anyone with gray hair is fair game to be elderly.

Last month, my daughter Kathy started a flurry of senior jokes and advice with a “Welcome to the Golden Years” dialog. Someone passed it on to her, to pass on to me. It sounds like a mom and dad conversation because I am prone to lose keys. 

Visualize Chuck and me and prepare to laugh.

“The keys weren’t in my pocket. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen.

“As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right; the parking lot was empty. 

"It was gone. 

"I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband, telling him ‘I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.’

“There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected but then I heard his voice. ‘Are you kidding me?’ he barked. ‘I dropped you off at the mall!’ 

“Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, ‘Well, come and get me.’ He retorted, ‘I will. Just as soon as I convince the police that I didn’t steal your dang car!’”

The following senior citizen quotes are mostly one-liners with attitude. My friends and I don’t like to waste words explaining ourselves. We tend to be bluntly truthful and we don’t take ourselves too seriously. 

After you read the following quips ask yourself if, maybe, you too are a senior citizen:

• Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond.

• When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

• It’s okay if you disagree with me; I can’t force you to be right.

• On aging: Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

• Hospital and medical forms always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.” 

• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 

• Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. 

• Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know WHY I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

• Reporters interviewed a 104-year old woman. “What do you think is the best thing about being 104?” they asked. “No peer pressure,” she answered.

• Ann Landers said: “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” 

That’s it for now. Thanks for making me laugh and forgetting it isn’t spring-time. May your troubles be less, your blessings me more and nothing but happiness come through your door. 

Contact Betty Kaiser’s Chatterbox at 942-1317 or email [email protected]